I didn't begin appreciating my mother until I became much older. Maybe that is when I began to forgive her for not being the mother of my expectations. My love for her was full of repressed anger and resentment. If my mother had truly loved me she would not have done this or that…or so I told myself. As the years passed I came to realize that she did love me deeply while making the choices that ended up causing me so much pain. Each choice was a product of her judgment based upon the knowledge of life she had gathered. Small choices during the years formed interlocking blocks that trapped me in into a childhood not fondly remembered. I have come to discover that no choice was made maliciously. Her mind, like mine, was full of her mother's teachings, society's rules and a need to make the best out a bad situation. She carried within her always an overpowering fear that our lives would catastrophically implode if she did not mold her children to fit into the home environment she couldn't control.
My mother died many years ago. This is something I wish I could tell her now, "Since you are spirit, you can feel just how much I love you. I don't need to try to convince you of that anymore. I am sorry I was so angry with you. It may have taken me years but now I realize that much of my anger was directed at you because you were the one that cared how I felt. The person that deserved that anger was only concerned about self-justification and rationalization; he was impervious to my pain. I could see you felt every stabbing thrust.
Since you have been gone the rules of marriage and family have changed. Society now allows subjects that were taboo to be discussed openly; something that you could never imagine. I know you did the best you could at the time. I wondered for years if you still loved me even after I hurt you so badly. I don't wonder about that anymore; I know you do. I am a mother too. I know that for mothers like us our love grows in clusters of thorns during severe drought yet springs up endlessly in cracks found on the rockiest of ground. Mothers like us always love through out our life and on past death. There are no stones that can be thrown that will stop us from holding our arms wide open to our children ready to enfold them. Deep tendrils of tenderness and comfort sprout constantly within us trying to reach out and gently wrap our children in a gentle, everlasting devoted embrace. I can say with perfect faith that we are alike as mothers because in my journey to find myself, I found you.
I want you to know that I am glad you were my mother. I can feel your love as a continuous encirclement residing within my soul. I cherish your love Mom; I understand the cost. I love you just as you were, just as you are. I have to go now but I'll talk to you again soon. I have so many things I want to share with you."